So drunk its hurt
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
