Sry I called you an 8
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
