Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
