If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
