oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
