I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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