Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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