Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Sext me about skeletons
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
