watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
