Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
The struggles of a small town man whore
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
