just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
