you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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