you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
