His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
