I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Randomize
