My first STD was from a foam party
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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