he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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