Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
So squirting runs in the family.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
