I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
