i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
