i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
