I cannot find my penis.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
