Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
