it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
