I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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