We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
