1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
