i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
