the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
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