Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
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