If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
