You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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