I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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