Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
