oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
You're a waste of cheezeits
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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