just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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