Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Randomize
