Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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