Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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