is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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