Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
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