I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
