I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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