he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
