I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I'm too high and old for this...
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
