I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Another day, another engagement, another cat
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Randomize
