You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
