i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I want her autograph on my taint
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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