The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
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