I'm gonna have a badass scar
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
