A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
