Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
