i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Randomize
