Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
