Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
