I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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