I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
