my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Randomize
