My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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