is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
