i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
